I've always found amusement parks very unamusing, for
it's hard to justify standing in a hot, 40-minute roller-coaster line so I can
promptly lose my car keys and barf up a churro.
That's what whiskey is for.
But lots of people dig this kind of entertainment. And it seems
all the theme parks around the world try to out-amuse each other with
technologically advanced new rides promising wild and exciting fun.
"Hey kids! Come try The Agonizer! It willliterally give
you second-degree steam burns to the face!"
You see, when it comes to roller coasters these days, they have to
be super-über extreme to stand out. And, right now, thrill seekers on the Web
are all talking about Full Throttle at Six Flags Magic
Mountain in Southern California.
The ride opened last weekend to rave reviews, and it's being
touted as the "world's tallest and fastestlooping coaster."
Which sounds pretty amazing, save for the part about it being tall and fast and
looping. My ideal roller coaster is a hammock.
Nevertheless, this thing goes up to 70 mph, reaches a height of
160 feet and uses something called a linear synchronous-motor magnetic launch
system.
I don't know what that means, but I'm fairly certain it causes
diarrhea.
"Did anybody else just ...?"
"Yes. Get the kids. We're going home."
Full Throttle also prides itself on having the world's first ever
"top hat" loop, allowing riders to fly across the outer rail of the
circle as well as the inside. Everything I've read suggests that this is
actually a rather big deal when it comes to roller-coaster engineering.
Though, to be fair, I'm still trying to figure out button-fly
jeans. So, in my book, pretty much anything more sophisticated than a ballpoint
pen counts as an major scientific accomplishment.
Hell, my ceiling fan is certifiably magic.
Anyway, never mind all the wild technology. Just know that Full
Throttle is really big and really fast, and if the train ever flies off the
rails, there's a pretty good chance you'll end up somewhere near Pittsburgh.
"Ha-ha. Now that's what I call being thrown for a loop!"
"Shut up, Dave."
And if the overall speed and height weren't wild enough, Full
Throttle also minimizes the protective harnessing that prevents you from
dropping painfully to your death. Which, to some, might be slightly concerning.
Here, there's nothing covering your chest -- just a simple lap bar
to keep you and your bladder snugly in position. But it's said to be very
advanced, and the limited upper-body protection totally enhances the fear
factor when, at one point during the ride, you apparently almost slow to a stop
along a curve.
It's a terrifying pause that lasts just long enough to make a
deathbed confession to the stranger sitting next to you.
"Hi. I'm Jim. I like Nickelback."
These are the dirty secrets we share when roller-coaster
technology rises to the next level.
Tim Burkhart, director of maintenance, construction and
engineering for Six Flags Magic Mountain, was the project lead for creating
Full Throttle, and told Theme Park Insider that, "Anyone can take a track
and flip it. I've done it a million times -- it's easy to do. But to build an
actual loop, with all the supporting structure, and the dynamics you have to do
to be at 160 feet, that is a much (more) difficult thing."
If this all sounds completely amazing, it is. Roller-coaster
engineering continues to test the limits of your lunch, and Six Flags Magic
Mountain has quite literally raised the bar.
So, if you're an adrenaline junkie and you make it out to
California, make sure you head over to Six Flags to give this thing a shot. Do
it for me.
Because I'll be in my hammock, confidently eating a churro.
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